I have made no secret about the fact that I think this month has been poop. The small of it? We have had sickness in our house in some way shape or form since January 1st. I have spent zero time with my husband all month because work has been insane for him. The large of it? More than one friend passing away from illness, a friends brother being killed in a car accident, friends being diagnosed with cancer way to young and just discouraging stuff like my friends mom being mugged just trying to get groceries.
I have the response to all this that makes me sad because I want to be that believer that can stand in complete faith all of the time without ever wavering...without ever questioning God.
But I am not that person. I get angry, I want to fix it. I get anxiety when I am alone for so many days/nights at a time. I let fear grip me and my home. I struggle with great amounts of worry and a feeling like life is spinning out of control. A heavy sadness is something that has the potential to grip my heart.
I was running some errands today and stopped to get my girls something here in town. As I was pulling into the shopping center driveway, a lady walking in front of me who was carrying bags of groceries had her bags break open spilling the contents and sending them rolling down the drive. My knee jerk reaction (and I'm not proud of this) was fear. Fear of getting out helping a stranger, fear of getting tangled up with this lady, just fear. Not rational fear by any means. But that's what fear is right? Because it's not of God.
Anyways, I got out and grabbed the Target bag from my back seat and dumped out it's contents. I walked over to her and helped her load all her groceries back up. When she started talking it was clear she was mentally handicapped and I just listened the best I could as were standing in the middle of a shopping center driveway with cars zooming by. I told her I would pray for her nephew that she mentioned and as she was walking away she stopped, looked at me and said,"Thank you, I guess God knew I was going to need help today huh?"
I got back in my car and was moved to tears. Yes God DID indeed know she was going to need help today. Just like he knows I will need help every single day. I will need HIM and his provisions every single day. My life is not some random thing spinning around in the universe. He knows my days, the numbers on my head, when I wake and when I sleep. He reminded me today through someone who maybe didn't understand a lot of what was going on around her and was very child like that it's really so simple. HE KNOWS. He knows before I ask, even if I forget to ask. If that doesn't give me comfort I don't know what possibly could. Something I learned from this is I want to do more. I drove away wondering why I didn't pray for her right there. Fear. It's something I am working on and want to see God work in my life more. I am sad that I missed that opportunity today to pray with her. I don't want to live in fear but in victory.