I have been wanting to write about this for a couple of weeks now but it's tricky.
Even tonight as I sit here at the computer I am not sure how to proceed.
I have lots to consider.
My daughter's feelings.
Birth parents hearts.
How and what God is telling me to share.
I'm not even sure it will make sense to someone reading it.
I blog for a couple of reasons; I love to write. It's just something that has been in me since I was little.
I also want to leave a trail of journals for my girls when they are older.
That's also the reason I take mad notes every Sunday in church.
Someday and I hope it is someday a long time from now I won't be here to encourage my kids in the Lord. If there ever is a time when they feel lost, scared, unsure of Gods plan for them, I want them to be able to look at my notes from church or my blog books and be reminded of his grace.
I first want to tell you that Dan & I have an open adoption plan with our girls birth parents. It basically means we keep in touch, send pictures and try to love on them as often as possible.
It doesn't always happen that we connect but we try. Over the years we have been more connected with Morgan's birth mom than anyone else involved. It's only because out of all the birth parents she has gone above and beyond measure to keep us in the fold of her life.
We have seen her go through and complete college, get a job, get engaged and now she has a son.
This brings me to the point of this post.
I knew Kari would eventually grow up, get married and have another baby.
In fact that was my hope for her. That God would continue to guide her and bless her for her choice to give life to Morgan and place her in our lives.
The thing is when I found out on Christmas Eve she had a son only weeks before and I saw a picture that was the spitting and I mean exact spitting image of my almost 11 year old daughter it floored me. I was crying and a mess and I have no idea why.
I talked to Kari on the phone Christmas night for an hour. We both were choked up as we shared our hearts.
The funny thing is we were both feeling a lot of the same things. I wasn't crying because I wanted another baby. I wasn't jealous at all. In fact I was happy for her. It was this deep deep ache that just went to my core. Seeing that sweet babies face and knowing it was Morgan's blood brother took me right back to the day we met Morgan and her birth family.
I instantly loved Kari when she handed me Morgan. I can't explain it. It's not something you can understand unless you have been there. When a young girl walks into a room and hands you her first born child and gives you her blessing to raise her; you are torn between taking that sweet baby and running and dropping to your knees and staying there with the birth mom forever.
The bravery, the courage, the selflessness that it took for her was something I could not fathom in the moment. I was to close to the situation. I had to keep it all together and walk out with that 6lbs. of sweet goodness and bond with her.
But now, well now she has a brother and I will need to tell her that. I have been praying. I have been seeking Gods wisdom. I have been asking for his words, his timing, his courage. Why?
Because no matter how much Dan & I love Morgan it's going to hurt her. Our love is not enough to shield them from the reality that is adoption.
It's a blessing. It's good. It's Gods will. It's his perfect plan for our family.
But, they have this other dynamic that is their reality. They have blood family other places. Family that looks like them, have the same gifts and talents. It's a reality.
I've always been OK with that. Adoption has always been an open thing in our home.
Never have our kids not known our families testimony. Never.
But when they were babies our love was enough. If they fell we kissed it better. If they were scared we held them. But sadly no matter how much we love them we can't guard their hearts from everything. They at some point will have to ask their birth parents the tough questions. The impossible questions. At some point they will have to walk that path in their history and we won't be able to smooth it all over for them.
Kari and I ended our conversation by discovering something very important. We both had these huge aching hearts for one reason and one reason only; we both want the very best for Morgan and we know that finding out there is another baby might hurt her feelings for a while.
Please don't misunderstand this post. I am not insecure in my relationship with Morgan.
I know I am a good mom. Difficult days, yes. But I adore my girls.
I am in awe that God thought I was worthy to even have them at all. I take my job to raise them up in him very seriously. I do not for one second take for granted the responsibility and gift their birth parents trusted us with in placing them in our home. This is my calling. My ministry.
I walk in the truth and security that God has a plan for our family.
I just wish sometimes that they were babies again and my kiss, band-aid and my love was enough.