Unless the Lord builds the house, those who build it labor in vain. Psalm 127:1

Friday, May 23, 2008

Today we danced in the rain...................

This week has been one of those weeks. You know the ones; where nothing fits right or looks good once you get it on. Your hair is well, just hair. And heaven forbid I had to contribute to society in any way shape or form. Ok, maybe you don't know and its just me. I'm good with that. That's why blogging is such cheap therapy right? I didn't wake up Monday with the intention of being a downer but that's what I was ALL week. It took until today and my husband FINALLY coming home for me to realize that yup' I think I was actually do I dare say the word? Depressed. I know, its near impossible to believe since I am usually happy go lucky. I don't really stress about much and in the last year (ok, six months) have learned to let the little things and little people who cause little things to stress people out to fly by. I mean I was just in the process of patting myself on the back for that when I flumped down on the couch Monday and hardly moved. I did what I had to like feed the kids, took them to swimming, got Morgan to school etc. But this morning when my husband came home and I burst into tears (so not me) I realized I needed intervention. Or more like he realized. I hate when women cry and claim they don't know why. Unless of course you are pregnant then you have all the rights to cry. and trust me I have enough friends having babies to know not to cross them. But when you just cry and don't know why? Come on! So after giving much thought to my outburst I realized that being in pain ALL THE TIME in some way shape or form for the past three weeks is about all one person can take. I shut down. I kept the kids alive and the house afloat while Dan was gone but mostly while in a fog. I tried everything. I talked to my best friend next door in a friendly fashion, kept up with my quiet time, tried praying for others that I knew were hurting. Heck I even stopped and talked to a homeless guy at Trader Joes yesterday. Still nothing. Still feeling sorry for myself. So today I decided when my safe refuge came home I would unload and ask for help.
If you are new to reading my blog I apologize for the "downer post" I am usually more upbeat and full of antics and quick wit. You may want to come back in a few days. I decided today to be mad at the fact that I have arthritis so bad I cant hardly move when it's cold outside. I decided to be mad that on some days my kids have to help me way more than I would like. I am mad that at 34 I have a walker in my closet (though decorated very cute with stickers by my best friend) for those nights when I cant make it to the pain meds on my own. I am angry that I can't open anything on my own. I am angry that I have had to give up pretty much all of my favorite foods containing wheat, dairy and glueten . My husband likes to add "taste free as well!"
I am angry that I landed in the urgent care last week because I almost passed out while driving my three year old home. Long story short my blood pressure was to low so I am mad about that too! I am mad that when I look in the mirror I dont look 34 but on the inside I feel 94. I am mad there is no cure and all the meds do is make people sick. I am mad that I have to think about every little thing I put in my mouth or I may not be able to walk tomorrow from swelling. So as you can see anger has set in. Hey, it only took 5 years. I am starting to think denial isn't such a bad place to live. I love God, I know God has a plan for me and I have always believed that. Today when my husband left to get Morgan I decided to allow his grace to wash over me, literally! I ran into my three year olds room and told her to come dance in the rain with me. She said,"mommy, daddy told me to take a rest. You better go ask him if it's ok!" What a time to be obedient right? So we grabbed her raind boots and coat and we went and stood in the pouring down freezing rain. I just stood there looking up at the sky and let the cold water run down my face. I realized after a few minutes that to the outsider looking in it would have appeared that I had lost my mind. Like one of those women in the movies who's boyfriend just dumps them or their husband dies and they run out into the rain and just stand there crying. There was no crying here though. Just thanking God that today I am here and today is not one I should waste. Even in my anger I will choose to serve you God. I will hobble, crawl, limp, whatever it takes to give you praise. Even on the worst days. (week)
I am sorry this was such a long post and I hesitate to hit "publish post" due to the fact that I sound like I need therapy. But like I have said before and know in my head; life is good. Not perfect. Not always easy or pain free but good. Because God is good.
This I recall to my mind, therefore have I hope.
It is of the Lord's mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not.
They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness.
Lamentations 3:21-23
Oh and just a little side note; I decided to allow myself some help and admitted to my husband (and myself) that I cannot do it all. I want to do the important things like teach and be with my kids. Love on my husband, friends and family, etc. So I decided to let someone come in and deep clean twice a month so I don't get so discouraged. As much as it will pain me to do this and PAY for it I know its the right thing to do. It's something I can let go of and in the bigger picture it's not that important right? I ask with a question mark.


Jessica said...

Sometimes you just have to vent, it's okay, you've gone through a lot with your health. You're right, blogging is great therapy. I'm glad you're gonna have someone come in and clean, you'll feel better and can save your energy for the important things :)

I'll keep you in my prayers! Love you friend!

Jessica said...

I forgot to add that I love the symbolism of the dancing in the rain.... God washing away the pain and cleansing you. I think I need to go stand in the rain and let HIm wash away all my junk too.

DonnaG said...

Christy... you do not need therapy. You are a completely normal person going through completely normal things FOR YOU. If it takes venting on your blog, then guess what, that is what you do. And your friends, the ones that love you, know you and understand, will read (listen) and know a little more about what you are going through today.

Thank you for being open and honest. Sometimes I wonder why we bloggers choose to post the cheery things of life and hide the ugly.

You are depressed? I see why you might be. But I love your attitude about it. I love that you chose to dance in the rain. You are a mighty fine example for the rest of us.

Go Christy and GO GOD!

Rhonda said...

I'm praying for you friend! And I echo Donna's comments. Don't feel bad about getting someone to come clean. That is a VERY responsible choice so you can focus on what's important. I love you friend! I wish I was there so I could come help out, at least a little.

5KidMom said...

Oh, my friend!!! It has been so long since I REALLY let myself connect with you emotionally. But, DAMN the past!!!!!!!!! I love you!

I was with you at the very beginning of this. I loved and prayed for you then, and nothing has changed. I am so sad that you are suffering, but I rejoice in your faith. My faith has been tested in mighty ways too, and you are doing a fine job of standing by our God. He does not ask for more. Good for you!

I love you! I miss you!!! I can't believe we have lived this long without each other. Please call me. I want nothing more than to love on you, and share what God is doing in both our lives.

The Keilers said...

Your honesty is refreshing. It reminds me of Shadrach, Meshach & Abednego. They refused to bow to idols & told Nebuchadnezzar that God would save them from the fiery furnace, but EVEN IF HE DIDN'T they would still praise Him. I got goosebumps when I read your confession of the same, no matter what you'll serve God. That blesses me (and I know it blesses God's heart).

christy p said...

Oh you a big hug. I had absolutely NO IDEA you were living with arthritis and pain. You are such a testament of a GOOD mom and wife. NEVER feel bad that you need help. I get help twice a month, and I am a healthy human being. I just couldn't keep up with the amount of work, and realized what a better mom I am when my house is cleaned. LOL. Please know that I am praying for you, and that we ALL get down sometimes. Except YOU have a very valid reason! ((hugs))

Kathy said...

I feel humbled after reading this. The cleaner is a brilliant idea. You're strength is an inspiration.

Thank you.

christy p said...

How ya doing? Thinking of you.

Yvonne said...

I love you friend. How are you today?

Kathy said...

Awww thanks for sticking up for me! ;) You were SO right, my post was not meant to be that deep. I think some people are super sensitive and I have to respect that. I wonder if the brock clan will be back...

And I bet your husband is pleased as punch that you stuck around for him...and he better be stepping in to protect his little wife!! I'd be holding that one over my husbands head for years too. :)