Well it is 4:30 in the morning and I am trying to decide how transparent I want to be at this very early hour. I guess since I am up what the heck right!
I love when God shows me something in my heart that isn't right and that needs to be corrected to look more like his own, but I DO NOT enjoy the breaking and pain that comes with getting there; growing pains hurt. Before I became a mom I swore many things; I would NEVER raise my voice at my kids. I would NEVER allow my kids to eat at McDonald's. I would NEVER snap at Dan in front of my kids. And the list goes on. I know crazy right? Oh and by the way I have done ALL of these things more than once.
God has really convicted my heart over the last few days and today I get to sit my almost 5 year old down and apologize to her for my anger. I will readily admit that this child who I love and adore has been able to push my buttons like no other. I don't believe there is anyone who can mess with my head or make me angry or frustrated so fast as Ryanne. I started hearing the Holy Spirit asking me to exam why that is and the answer? Because I hate disobedience in kids. Any kind period. I hate when kids are disrespectful, I hate when kids don't listen to their parents, I hate when kids act like they are entitled to do whatever they feel like at any cost. I then started to think about how our sweet Ryanne loves to push the envelope when it comes to disobedience and why that sends me flying off the handle all the time. I believe the best way to describe the conclusion I came to last night was if you were to imagine God holding a mirror up to my face and saying,"this sounds allot like another child of mine I know." Often times I will watch shows because well, they are not outright hurting God. I will make a comment that really isn't fully gossip just a comment. I will barely read the word on the fly in the morning knowing full well that breaks Gods heart that I don't listen to him or take the time to find out what his desire for the day is for me. You see I am Ryanne as well. That is why we battle.
Lately I find myself short, unkind, unwilling to budge and extremely negative. I let Morgan get away with being negative about this as well. I knew God was about to break my heart in this and I could feel it coming. Then a friend pointed out so kindly that maybe if I quit saying things that were negative Ryanne would stop acting negative. Ouch. I sat Morgan down last night after Ryanne was asleep and shared my hearts desire for our family with her. I asked her to pray for me and help me keep things positive. I was barely able to get the words out past the tears. I asked her to help me protect Ryanne and to lift Ryanne up to be the amazing child of God that she is. Today when Ryanne gets up I will ask her to forgive me and I will commit to being only positive and rational.
I got up this morning to spend some time in the word; previously i had been reading through Job but flipped open to Psalm 127:1 and this is what I read from there.
Psalm 127:1 Unless the Lord builds the house, those who build it labor in vain.
Psalm 128:1 Blessed is everyone who fears the Lord, who walks in his ways! You shall eat the fruit of the labor of your hands; you shall be blessed and it will be well with you. Your wife will be like a fruitful vine within your house; your children like olive shoots around your table.
Psalm 130:3 If you Lord should mark iniquities, who could stand? But with you there is forgiveness that you may be feared.
Psalm 131:1 O Lord my heart is not lifted up; my eyes are not raised to high; I do not occupy myself with things too great and too marvelous for me. But I Have calmed and quieted my soul like a weaned child with its mother; like a weaned child is my soul within me.
I often doubt my ability to parent. I often struggle with the fact that I REALLY have No idea what I am doing. I often struggle with parenting alone so much with Dan gone. I often struggle with balance in discipline. I often struggle with allot of things when it comes to parenting but one thing I NEVER struggle with is the fact that I am CERTAIN God put these two particular girls in our family for a reason. I NEVER struggle with the fact that they are a gift. I KNOW God has blessed us with Morgan and Ryanne.
Please pray for me as I learn balance. As I learn to give Ryanne a little more freedom and allow her to succeed and fail. Please pray this week that when Ryanne tries to set the house on fire, jump off the back wall down the hill, throws the cat in the air to see if,"it would land on the shelf mama!" when she eats a snail in the front yard to make the boys laugh, when she brings me a handful of screws and bolts and says,"nope, I just found them mama." and then the dresser falls apart, when I get told by a friend that Ryanne flashed the kids in the bedroom or she says,"ha,ha mama I went pee on the slip n' slide while everyone was going down it." That I would look in the mirror and remind myself that I too do things to get a reaction from the Lord and they are not always appropriate. That I would laugh more with Ryanne and remind myself that these things to shall pass and I WILL miss them. Thank you.
**Disclaimer: Ryanne has not yet tried to set the house on fire but all the other ones are true. She did however stick a key in the light socket to see,"if it would light up mama!" Seriously God has his hand on this child of mine. I mean his. ;)